You have the power to open the door to change. Here’s how to talk to your loved one about drinking with empathy, strength, and wisdom

How To Talk To An Alcoholic About Getting Help Without Shame

Talking to someone you care about regarding their drinking can feel challenging, but it’s also an act of love, courage, and hope. If you’re unsure how to approach an alcoholic or what to say, know that just showing up with compassion is already a powerful step.

It’s normal to feel scared about damaging the relationship or unsure where to begin. Alcohol use is often wrapped up in deeper struggles like shame, trauma, or even depression, making the conversation feel even more delicate. However, by choosing empathy over judgment, you open the door to healing for them and for you.

Approaching the conversation with compassion and openness can create space for connection and healing.  Remember, the way you show up with patience, love, and respect can be just as powerful as the words you choose.

In this guide, we’ll walk you through how to talk to an alcoholic in a supportive, empowering way.

If You Have Concerns About Someone’s Drinking, Trust Your Instincts

When someone you love is showing signs of alcohol misuse, you may feel uncertain, conflicted, or afraid of overstepping. It’s not uncommon to think, “Am I making a big deal out of nothing?” or “What if I say the wrong thing and make things worse?” These are deep human concerns and they come from a place of love.

But here’s the truth: if your instincts are telling you something’s wrong, they probably are. Knowing how to approach an alcoholic, especially when the signs are not dramatic takes courage. Problematic drinking doesn’t always look like rock bottom. In fact, it often builds slowly, showing up as subtle changes in mood, habits, and relationships. By the time you’re noticing the shift, it’s likely been building for a while.

That’s why early conversations matter. Even if it’s uncomfortable, saying something now can prevent deeper pain later. You don’t have to wait for a crisis, an accident, or a breaking point to express concern, and when done with empathy, not judgment, your words can be a lifeline instead of a lecture.

 Does My Concern Even Matter?

• You’ve noticed real changes in their behavior, mood, or health
  
• Addiction is progressive  it often gets worse over time
  
• Avoiding the topic enables the problem and delays treatment
  
• You’re impacted too, even if you’re not the one drinking

Common Doubts You Might Feel and Why You Shouldn’t Ignore Them:

• “What if I push them away?”
    Silence doesn’t protect relationships — honesty builds them.
  
• “Maybe I’m overreacting.”
    If you’re worried enough to be reading this, you’re not overreacting.
  
• “I feel guilty bringing it up.”
    Guilt is normal, but love sometimes means having hard conversations.

Trusting your instincts when you’re concerned about someone’s drinking isn’t overreacting, it’s being proactive. These doubts are understandable, but they don’t need to hold you back. In fact, they’re often signs that you care deeply and want to approach the situation the right way. This is exactly why you’re the right person to speak up.

When learning how to talk to an alcoholic, remember: it’s not about having the perfect words, it’s about showing up with sincerity and concern. Alcohol misuse doesn’t have to be extreme to be harmful. If something feels “off,” it probably is. Your willingness to acknowledge it can open the door to healing, connection, and hope.

You don’t have to fix everything in one conversation; but by choosing to speak with empathy instead of silence, you’re already taking a powerful first step. Knowing how you can help an alcoholic get help starts here, with courage, care, and your voice.

What To Say To An Alcoholic That Builds Trust

When you’re figuring out how to talk to an alcoholic, it’s normal to feel nervous or unsure. These conversations aren’t easy but they are powerful. The goal isn’t to deliver a perfect speech or convince your loved one to change overnight, it’s about creating a moment of connection, free from judgment, where they feel safe enough to open up.

Approaching someone who may be struggling with alcohol use takes more than good intentions; it requires empathy, patience, and timing. Think of it less like an intervention and more like an invitation: you’re inviting them into a conversation rooted in care, not confrontation. This can be the beginning of real change, especially when alcohol is being used as a coping tool for deeper issues like depression and alcohol dependency.

The key is to avoid high-stress or emotionally charged moments. If possible, wait until your loved one is sober and in a relatively calm state. When they aren’t feeling defensive or overwhelmed, they’re more likely to actually hear what you have to say.

How Can I Start the Conversation?

• Pick the right time. Avoid heated moments or when they’ve been drinking.
  
• Use “I” statements to express how you feel without sounding accusatory.
  
• Speak from love and curiosity. Avoid jumping to conclusions.
  
• Stay calm, even if emotions run high. This sets the tone for safety.

What Are Examples of Things I Can Say?

• “I’ve been worried about you lately, especially with how often you’ve been drinking.”
  
• “I miss the way things used to be when we spent time together.”
  
• “I feel scared when I see you hurting yourself.”

Choosing your words carefully can make all the difference. When someone is already grappling with the shame, confusion, or guilt often tied to alcohol misuse, they don’t need pressure, they need presence. Starting from love, rather than frustration, builds a foundation of trust and honesty.

Conversation Starters to Keep the Door Open:

• “Have you noticed any changes in how you feel after drinking?”
  
• “What’s been going on lately that’s been hard for you?”
  
• “Have you ever thought about cutting back or getting help?”

If you’re exploring how to approach an alcoholic without pushing them away, these conversations are a great place to start. Keep your tone soft, your language supportive, and your message simple. You don’t need to convince them of anything in one sitting. Just being present and offering a safe space to talk can have a lasting impact.

And remember: you’re not in this alone. If the conversation feels too heavy to carry by yourself, it’s okay to loop in another family member or close friend; someone who shares your concern and can offer strength without judgment. What matters most is that your loved one feels seen, heard, and supported.

You’re not expected to have all the answers. You’re just taking the first step and sometimes, that’s exactly what they need.

What NOT To Say To An Alcoholic You’re Trying To Help

When you’re trying to help someone you love who’s struggling with alcohol, your emotions can run deep with frustration, fear, sadness, even helplessness. Those feelings are valid. Although, when it comes to knowing how to approach an alcoholic, the way you communicate can shape the outcome. Your words can either build a bridge or unintentionally reinforce the walls they’ve put up to cope.

People struggling with alcohol often carry invisible weights: guilt, shame, and deep emotional pain. These emotions are intensified when depression and alcohol are intertwined. That’s why learning what to say to an alcoholic, and just as importantly, what not to say, can make all the difference.

When someone feels blamed or attacked, it triggers defensiveness, not because they don’t care, but because they’re protecting themselves from even more shame. Your intention may be love, but if the language feels harsh, the message can get lost. You’re not just talking about alcohol, you’re speaking to the fears, trauma, and emotional wounds that may be fueling it.

What Are Things I Should Avoid Saying?

• “You’re ruining everything.”
  
• “Why can’t you just stop?”
  
• “You’re selfish.”
  
• “You don’t care about your family.”

Even if these words come from a place of fear or desperation, they can shut down the conversation and reinforce feelings of worthlessness. Shame is one of the most powerful barriers to seeking help and words like these often deepen it.

Also avoid:

• Taking their behavior personally. This isn’t about you, it’s about their pain.
  
• Using mental health struggles against them. Don’t say things like “Maybe if you weren’t so depressed, you wouldn’t drink so much.”
  
• Issuing ultimatums or threats. These often backfire unless you’re setting clear, healthy boundaries.

What are Some Examples of Shaming vs. Supportive Language?

• “You’re a mess.”
  → “I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling, and I’m here for you.”
• “You’re just like your father.”
  → “This isn’t who you are, and I know you want better for yourself.”
• “You’re killing yourself.”
• → “I’m scared about what alcohol is doing to your health — I don’t want to lose you.”

These small shifts in language help communicate your concern in a way that feels safe, not shaming. If you’re learning how to talk to an alcoholic, focus on creating connection over control. Your compassion may be the first step that makes healing feel possible.

Let your loved one know you’re on their side; not because you have all the answers, but because you care enough to stay in the conversation. Remind yourself: you didn’t cause this, but you can be part of the path forward. If you’re asking, how can you help an alcoholic get help, it starts with showing up calm, kind, and consistent.

You don’t have to say everything perfectly. You just have to show up with your heart in the right place.

How You Can Offer Support Without Enabling The Addiction

When someone you love is struggling with alcohol use, it’s natural to want to step in and fix things. You might find yourself covering for them, smoothing things over, or taking on responsibilities they’ve dropped. 

However,if you’re learning how to approach an alcoholic or how to talk to an alcoholic, one of the most important lessons is knowing the line between supporting and enabling.

Support means walking beside someone in their recovery, not carrying it for them. Enabling, often looks like help, but it shields them from the natural consequences of their behavior. It can delay the moment they realize they need help, and ultimately, delay recovery.

If you’re wondering how you can help an alcoholic get help in a meaningful way, it starts by supporting their growth rather than protecting their patterns.

What are Some Healthy Ways to Support?

• Get support for yourself. You’re going through a lot, too — talk to a therapist or join a support group.
  
• Set clear boundaries. Decide what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate.
  
• Don’t lie or make excuses for them. Covering up their actions only delays their awareness and accountability.
  
• Join them in recovery efforts. Offer to go to appointments or meetings with them.
  
• Encourage new coping strategies. Suggest activities or hobbies that support a sober lifestyle.

These actions not only show love and commitment, but they reinforce the idea that sobriety is not something they have to face alone.

What Are Some Examples of Healthy Support vs. Enabling?

•  “I’ll go with you to a support group.”
  “I’ll call in sick for you again.”
•  “I care about you, but I won’t argue with you when you’ve been drinking.” “I’ll just pretend nothing happened.”

If you’re unsure what to say to an alcoholic, let your words reflect concern, not control. Support without enabling is about setting loving boundaries, staying consistent, and protecting your own emotional well-being.

Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential. The stronger and more grounded you are, the more effectively you can support someone else’s healing. Recovery is a long road, and you’ll need your energy and clarity for the journey ahead.

When Alcohol Is A Coping Tool For Depression

When someone is drinking heavily, it’s easy to assume they’re just making unhealthy choices. However, often, alcohol isn’t just a habit, it’s a coping mechanism. If you’re trying to understand how to approach an alcoholic with compassion, it’s important to recognize when drinking is being used as an attempt to manage emotional pain.

Depression and alcohol are closely linked. For many people, drinking becomes a way to temporarily escape sadness, stress, trauma, or hopelessness. But while alcohol might offer short-term relief, it ultimately deepens emotional suffering. What starts as a way to feel better can quickly turn into a cycle of dependency that’s hard to break alone.

This doesn’t mean your loved one doesn’t want help, it often means they’re hurting more than they can express. If you’re wondering how you can help an alcoholic get help, identifying when their drinking is connected to depression is a powerful place to start. Your insight and empathy can create a turning point.

What are Signs Someone is Using Alcohol to Cope with Depression?

• Drinking alone or in secrecy
  
• Increased irritability or mood swings
  
• Loss of interest in hobbies or activities
  
• Sleeping too much or too little
  
• Verbalizing hopelessness or despair
  
• Missing work or social events

If you notice these signs, gently bringing up therapy can be a supportive next step.

What you could say:

• “It seems like you’ve been dealing with a lot emotionally. I wonder if talking to someone could help.”
  
• “I know alcohol might feel like an escape, but I also think you deserve real relief — not just numbness.”
  
• “There are programs that help with both depression and alcohol. You don’t have to do this alone.”

Recognizing that alcohol use may be a response to emotional pain shifts the conversation from blame to support. If you’re learning how to talk to an alcoholic who’s also struggling with depression, lead with empathy not assumptions. You’re not just helping them address the drinking, you’re helping them face what’s underneath it.

There is real, holistic support available. Our group care doesn’t just treat symptoms, it treats the whole person, helping them build strength, self-awareness, and sustainable coping strategies. You don’t have to fix it all, and you don’t have to have all the answers. Just showing up with kindness and clarity can be the first step toward recovery for them and for you.

There is help available that treats more than just the addiction. Our wholistic approach looks at the whole person, helping them untangle the emotional roots of their drinking while also building tools for lasting recovery. You don’t have to navigate this alone, and neither do they.

You’re Not Alone, And Neither Are They

Dealing with a loved one’s alcohol use is overwhelming. You may feel stuck, isolated, or unsure what to do next. But you don’t have to carry this alone and neither do they.

Addiction thrives in silence, but healing begins with connection. Your willingness to talk, care, and act could be the start of something life-changing.

Encourage them to take that first step, and give yourself permission to seek support too.  

Ready to speak to someone who understands? Schedule a free, no-pressure consultation with The JW Group today.