It’s one of the hardest conversations to start.

You’ve noticed changes. Something feels off. Maybe it’s subtle, maybe it’s not.

But every time you think about saying something, you hesitate.

You don’t want to make things worse.
You don’t want to be wrong.
You don’t want to push them away.

So you wait.

If you’re here, you’re probably already carrying that tension.

And the reality is—avoiding the conversation doesn’t usually make it easier.

Learning how to talk to a loved one about alcohol use isn’t about saying the perfect thing.

It’s about approaching the conversation in a way that actually gives it a chance to go well.

Why This Conversation Feels So Difficult

Talking about alcohol use is different from most conversations.

There’s uncertainty. Emotion. Sometimes fear.

You might be wondering:

• “What if they get defensive?”
• “What if I’m overreacting?”
• “What if this damages our relationship?”

These concerns are valid.

At the same time, waiting too long can allow patterns to continue or escalate.

That’s what makes this so difficult—you’re trying to balance care with risk.

What Actually Helps (and What Doesn’t)

Before getting into what to say, it’s important to understand what makes these conversations more effective.

In general, conversations tend to go better when they are:

• Calm, not reactive
• Specific, not vague
• Focused on concern, not control

Approaching the conversation with empathy and without judgment increases the likelihood that the person will actually hear you.

On the other hand, things that tend to backfire include:

• Confronting them when they’ve been drinking
• Bringing it up in a high-pressure moment
• Lecturing, criticizing, or labeling

Even when your concern is valid, delivery matters.

Choose the Right Time (This Matters More Than You Think)

Timing is one of the most important parts of this conversation.

Try to talk when:

• They are sober
• You both have time
• There isn’t an immediate conflict happening

This is not a conversation to have in passing or in the middle of an argument.

Creating the right environment increases the chances of a productive conversation.

Start With What You’ve Noticed

One of the most effective ways to begin is by focusing on what you’ve observed—not what you assume.

For example:

• “I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more lately.”
• “I’ve seen you seem more stressed and using alcohol to cope.”

This keeps the conversation grounded in reality instead of accusation.

Try to avoid language like:

• “You have a problem”
• “You need to stop”

The goal is to open a conversation—not shut it down.

Keep the Focus on Care, Not Control

This is where a lot of conversations go off track.

It’s easy for concern to come out as pressure.

Instead of trying to control the outcome, focus on expressing care.

For example:

• “I’m bringing this up because I care about you.”
• “I’ve been worried about you.”

People are more likely to engage when they feel supported—not judged.

Expect Some Resistance

Even if the conversation is handled well, it may not go the way you hope.

They might:

• Minimize the issue
• Get defensive
• Change the subject

This doesn’t mean the conversation failed.

It often means they’re not ready yet.

You can’t force someone to change their behavior—but you can create opportunities for awareness.

Know What’s Yours (and What Isn’t)

This part is important—and often overlooked.

You are not responsible for:

• Making them change
• Fixing the situation
• Managing their behavior

You are responsible for how you show up.

Trying to take on more than that often leads to burnout, stress, and frustration.

If this pattern feels familiar, you may also relate to: “Why boundaries feel so hard.”

Offer Support, Not Solutions

Instead of telling them what to do, offer support.

This might look like:

• “If you ever want help finding someone to talk to, I can help with that.”
• “I’d go with you if you wanted support.”

Encouraging professional support—like therapy or group counseling—can be helpful, especially when they’re ready.

Take Care of Yourself, Too

Supporting someone with alcohol use concerns can be emotionally draining.

It’s easy to focus entirely on them and ignore your own experience.

However, your mental health matters too.

You may need:

• Boundaries
• Support from others
• Space to process your own reactions

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, that’s not something to ignore.

When Therapy Can Help

If you’re struggling with how to navigate this, therapy can help you:

• Process your concerns
• Learn how to communicate more effectively
• Set appropriate boundaries
• Manage stress and emotional impact

You don’t have to figure this out on your own.

Support at The JW Therapy Group

At The JW Therapy Group, we work with individuals and families navigating the impact of substance use—both directly and indirectly.

Our therapists help clients:

• Navigate difficult conversations
• Process the emotional impact of a loved one’s behavior
• Build boundaries that protect your mental health
• Understand patterns around addiction and relationships

We also offer a substance use therapy group, which provides:

• A structured, supportive environment
• Space to process experiences with others who understand
• Tools for coping, boundaries, and recovery
• Guidance from clinicians experienced in substance use and family dynamics

The JW Therapy Group offers:

• Individual therapy
• Substance use support
• Therapy for anxiety, burnout, and ADHD
• In-person sessions in Bel Air
• Virtual sessions across Maryland

If you’re navigating this situation and want support, you can reach out through our contact us page.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the best way to talk to someone about their drinking?

The most effective approach is calm, nonjudgmental, and specific. Focus on what you’ve observed and express concern rather than trying to control the outcome.

What should you not say to someone about alcohol use?

Avoid labeling, blaming, or confronting them aggressively. Statements that feel like criticism often lead to defensiveness.

What if they get defensive or shut down?

This is common. It doesn’t mean the conversation failed—it may just mean they’re not ready yet. Keeping the door open matters more than getting immediate agreement.

Can you make someone stop drinking?

No. Change has to come from them. What you can do is express concern, offer support, and encourage help.

When should I seek professional help?

If the situation is affecting your stress, mental health, or relationship, therapy can help you navigate it in a more supported and sustainable way.

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